To the Editor:

If, legislatively speaking, it were appropriate to evaluate weed- or bug-killer by its quite understandable smell (and then scold it, too, for its biasing boon to so noxious an enterprise as big ag), it would be as appropriate to judge Cathy Sterbentzs not fully stated demand (see June 19 letters section) by its hiss. Strategically, this wouldnt go well at all, but pretty much like so:

In their proper place that is, in a poem the studied assonance, alliteration and anthropomorphism might have done an Emily Dickenson proud. In a patently prosaic hissy fit, they make a more telling impression that of serving tea and dainties at thistle-go-way hour. (And, even as far as poetic diction might pardonably fly, dictionaries will fly open to witness it crash before licensing the poet to describe a warningly bad odor as an aroma). So, will time be alone to tell which has its way at whatever tribunal is convened on the weight of Ms. Sterbentzs bleat the metallic stink in her welling nose, or the saccharine stench in your swelling ear?

Mind you, I said: if it were appropriate. It isnt well-provoked though it is, it is inexcusably rude and, worse, somewhat off-point. What is called for is a moments attention to how reticent Ms. Sterbentz is about putting her whole demand, basis included, into words. Our guiding question is an easy one. Judging solely from the nature of her complaint, what must her full recommendation be? What would she cry for out loud if she werent impeded by the good sense not to? Needful to say, what follows cant purport to be more than a good guess, and the responsibility for any logical flaw in it is mine alone. But if geese can be made scholars, their idolatrix can be made plain:

Maybe, just perhaps, we should possibly try outlawing the icky stuff till it can be made 100% safe, effective or not. Meaning: made potable to and edible by every mortal thing that is neither weed nor vermin. Oh, and most important made delightful to the most sensitive, probing and roving human nose in the picture. Until then, please be so suicidally selfless as to disregard the bans collateral effect on agriculture, epidemiology and, through these twin pillars of Hell, upon all of us myself last, I pray. Those among you who care about such trifles, obviously dont care about what offends my senses and arouses my suspicions of a lethal conspiracy.

Quite true, dear (hypothetical?) lady we dont. Not one damn.