As if winter didn’t have enough bad weather, the end of April has been unusually wet and windy. Winter spawned bad humor, cabin fever and not a lot of domestic tranquility.

Spring isn’t doing much better. The biggest problem I have with the spring weather is that local ranchers have been running out of hay and are itching to brand the calves that are destined to be moved to their permits.

Because the cows and calves can’t be moved until the calves are branded, the ranchers are pretty panicked. We had one day of possibly decent weather the middle of April, and six ranchers scheduled brandings.

That is like having six prom dates, and you can only take one. I went to Todd Nash’s branding because I always do, and he invited me first. I wasn’t invited to all of the other five (probably an oversight), but I still feel as though I have been cheated out of five.

I am considering filing a grievance with the United Drovers Union steward. I know it was all weather-related, but this is the kind of behavior that leads to government regulation.

Having worked as a civil servant and a damn good one too, I have some ideas how the bureaucracy would be set up. Every county in the west will have a range czar with an assistant czar to do the work. The ASS (assistant abbreviation) will set a branding season for the county and by drawn lot assign dates and permits for ranchers to brand.

Branding out of season will not be tolerated and appropriate fines will be assessed. Ranchers will be able to trade dates with other ranchers or sell their date provided they notify the agency and pay a fee. If the county has ranges with different conditions, each range will have a range monitor who will report to the assistant czar.

Ranges that cross county lines will require hiring a consultant to negotiate the dates and require czars from affected counties to travel to Salem for the meetings or if federal land is involved, Washington D.C.

Other requirements will be that the available cowboys be graded and numbered so one rancher doesn’t get all the top Number 6 ropers while another is stuck with 2s and 3s. Racial and gender diversity will be encouraged but not mandatory yet.

When filing for a branding permit, ranchers will have to have proof of OSHA approved corrals along with dust control plans and a questionnaire completed. This will describe the type of branding, the choices will be drag and drop, drag and hold, head and heel and for an extra charge calf table.

Ranchers will have to file a notice of intent to brand and inspectors will make spot checks to determine if proper procedure is followed.

A tax levy will need to be approved to support the new Department of Branding Regulation and Enforcement since the branding permit prices will only cover part of the expense. If the new deal crosses state lines, a federal bureau formed at the cabinet level will be required.

So as you see, it’s not just this county involved. Part of the problem is that when this becomes entrenched, a lot of the people running it will be from Connecticut with no knowledge of local conditions and traditions.

I know this was an unusual year with unique conditions, but the fact remains that I am 76 and have a finite number of brandings left. I can’t afford to miss any more.

Please be more careful in the future and thus avoid forced regulation. You won’t like it.

Barrie Qualle moved to Wallowa County in 2005 from California and writes a monthly column for the Chieftain.