Cheap cars lead to great adventures

To make it in Wallowa County, you can’t just go throwing money around. A penny pinched is a penny earned, or whatever, so as a service to the thrifty-minded here in the Land of Winding Bank Balances, this week we have an installment of The Frugal Motorist, dedicated to buying and operating a $500 car.

I hesitate to call myself an expert on the topic because I’m not sure expert is a strong enough word. I’ve owned an impressive array of shoestring vehicles, if I do say so. So what’s it called when you’re more than an expert? Experter-er? Let’s go with that.

The main thing to look for when purchasing a $500 car is that it runs. And drives. Those are the two features to really insist on. If you can’t drive it home, you paid $500 for a metal sculpture.

Totally different topic we’ll cover later in The Frugal Art Collector.

A true $500 car will move thanks to its own internal combustion, not a tow strap or being on a trailer. Quick aside on combustion: some $500 cars may combust both internally and externally. I had one that would shoot the occasional flame out the carburetor and tailpipe. Think that was a timing issue.

Obviously the low entry cost is attractive, but another joy of owning a $500 chariot is the breezy freedom of not being overly concerned with minor worries like dents, dings, engine failure, scratches or resale value. One such car that once graced Wallowa County roads was known as The Deerslayer for shaking off repeated collisions of the hoofed kind.

Rather than hurt its value, this ability to keep working after deer kept throwing themselves in front of it became a selling point for durability. The Deerslayer was passed around a long string of friends in need of cheap transportation.

The best cheap cars have this mystical perpetual motion quality of continuing to run when all common sense says they should not. An exceptionally good cheap car has the power of self-healing, and major problems will just go away by magic.

There’s no sure-fire way to positively ID one of these magical self-healing cheap cars, but one semi-reliable characteristic is if the car has run for several years without one of its cylinders working. That’s a good sign.

My current $500 car is an early model Volkswagen Golf. A previous owner had the wisdom to transplant a four banger diesel into this sleek auto, so I enjoy fuel economy to the tune of 44 miles to the gallon. I’m basically getting paid to drive this thing.

Normally I wouldn’t fritter away a bunch of money on budget wheels, but in a fit of extravagance, I did buy two quarts of all-purpose enamel paint from Jo Hard and gave the Golf a makeover. I used a roller for most of it, but wanted to do this up right so used a brush for the tight spots. Always wanted a car with plaid side panels.

My ol’ pal Mike Midlo asked if he could put the Golf in a music video for a new song he recorded, so a bunch of county folks recently crammed into the Volkswagen, and we drove around the slope while Mike filmed it. Ralph Swinehart and his Model A truck really steal the show, but the Sinclair family and Liza and Jacey and Danielle are definitely accomplices.

“Juicy Fruit” is the name of the song, and Mike’s band name is Pancake Breakfast. Look those two things up on your computer device, and take a peek if you want. “Pony” is also tremendous, both as a song and the video with Bart Budwig.

Goodness sakes, do yourself another favor and watch “Plant that Seed,” another song and video by Midlo that one critic has already called “the best song of 2017,” which I tend to agree with.

That wraps our buyer’s guide to $500 cars and free music videos with Wallowa County seasoning. See you at NAPA.

Jon Rombach is a monthly columnist for the Chieftain.