<p>John McColgan</p>

Once upon a time, there was a body. And when the body was young, it was usually healthy, except for occasional bruises and illnesses. The body grew big and strong, and its members got along without many complaints. As the years went by, a few members, such as the knees and the backbone, sometimes grumbled about feeling old, but the rest of the crew went about their business contentedly.

Then trouble set in. It began when the brain, which had always considered itself the most important part of the body, started to resent the many members who didnt seem to contribute as much. Why should all those slackers receive continual blood supply when many of them perform no useful function whatsoever? the brain asked peevishly. And even if some of them do some little something, surely what they do doesnt compare to what I do? They are expendable. I alone am essential, and there ought to be a system of rewards that recognizes this.

So the brain created a consulting firm. He called it The Happy Body Foundation. He chose the name partly for his own amusement, and partly because he figured that no one else could possibly object to the idea of a Happy Body. That would be like being against Moms and Apple Pie, which was another name the brain had toyed with before settling on The Happy Body Foundation.

Then the brain hired the mouth to be his full-time spokesman. Prior to this, the mouth had been known for smiling, laughing, telling jokes, singing, kissing, and lots of other things that everyone else had found fun and refreshing. But now the mouth was employed to do nothing but scowl and complain. Whine, whine, whine. Complain about how bad things were, and especially about all those members of the body who werent pulling their weight. The mouth also railed against foreign elements, which he labeled Illegal Toxins. And citing studies done by The Happy Body Foundation, he accused the left side of the body of being unproductive.

Discontent spread steadily, which pleased the brain very much. The eyebrows furrowed. They had thought they were doing fine, but now they werent sure. The right one raised up higher than the left, and then felt resentful at the lack of effort on the other side. The right foot began to consider itself much cleverer than the left foot, while the left foot insisted, Were a team, right? The right foot sulked and wouldnt reply. The right hand became annoyed that it did most of the work, while the left hand asked, What are you talking about? How about typing, and playing the guitar, and picking up heavy things? Weve always worked together. The right hand made a fist while the left hand drummed nervously.

Meanwhile, the mouth ranted incessantly until the ears became exhausted. The heart objected quietly that some parts of the body were neither right nor left, and the vagina softly agreed, so the mouth called the vagina a dirty name, and some of the other members became more fearful. Then the mouth began to pick on particular body parts. What good is the appendix? Get rid of it! he shrieked. What harm is it doing? the heart asked. It could get us all infected! the mouth shot back. And soon other members of the body joined in the cry of alarm, since no one, including the appendix itself, was exactly sure what good it really did. Finally, the appendix was removed from the body. The Happy Body Foundation celebrated the event as Downsizing.

But the brain was not appeased. He continued to feed the mouth hostile ideas, which the mouth blared out loudly, until the right and left side of the body were not even on speaking terms any more. The mouth reminded everyone else that they were all replaceable, and that artificial body parts could be produced cheaply overseas. The body became virtually paralyzed, and the heart was deeply saddened by this, because she had always considered all the members of the body, even the brain, to be her children. And the heart wondered if the brain would ever see all the members as one body again, and she prayed that the mouth would simply be quiet and go back to smiling and being friendly.

Meanwhile, the brain instructed The Happy Body Foundation and the mouth to promote heart transplants.

John McColgan writes from his home in Joseph.